VIRTUOUS SUGGESTIONS
“I don’t need a corset!!!” she blurted at me like I just suggested she was a loathsome slimy fat creature. Yes the operative word here is ‘fat’. She heard me suggest that her daily aerobics and beauty treatments have failed because I saw a place where she could use a corset. But she stood all day at her job waiting tables and felt like beaten hell when arriving home at night.
She needs a corset.
“Oh I’m too old for a corset!” she said as though I suggested she should flounce around like a tart looking for sailors ‘cause the ship just came in. I merely noticed that she was wearing a DDD cup and she’s probably in her late 40s. She walks like her brassiere were cutting grooves in her shoulders and slowly pulling her back out of place instead of holding her posture correctly and allowing her to carry her weight.
She needs a corset.
I find that in my line of work, I am rarely trusted to have a qualified opinion regarding corsetry. I have been told that some people know everything about corsets because they saw the Movies. They saw Gone with the Wind and saw Miss Scarlett try to fit herself into a corset she wore in her teens. Of course she’s had a baby and is now in her 20s and the corset doesn’t fit. These people now think this is the rule when fitting a corset; it should be a body crushing torture.
But many people never knew that we’re supposed to laugh at Miss Scarlett and her vanity. Holding Gone with the Wind up as an authority on corsetry is like insisting that when moving a piano, one must stab each other in the eye and slap each other in the face when because that’s how the Three Stooges do it.
No. I am not whining. I’m a salesman. And salesmen lie, right? We should be held at arms length and basted in the oil of distrust. I nearly snarled at my own father when he suggested I might be a good salesman. Oh Yeah?… well you’d look good dressed in a Doberman! I held my tongue and he let me live. It was a deal we had, you see.
Over the course of the 13 years of making and selling corsets, over 17,800 of them to be somewhat exact, I happen to be an expert in corsetry and here’s where even I get into trouble. I know my mechanic is a salesman, but when he says the car needs new brakes, I get new brakes. And he kindly sells me new brakes. The inner voices of distrust circle the wagons and shout across the pits of burning pitch and sharpened bungees that he’s a salesman. Don’t get the brakes. You should hear them in the doctor’s office. That MAN will sell you PILLS! That’s All! He doesn’t even know your name! He never even checked your PULSE!
OK….hush now, I say taking the pills.
The amazing thing about corsets is that most people do not know that a corset is a tool more than a garment. A proper corset should hold you upright without uncomfortable constriction. It should support your body like a shoe supports your foot, and should hold you in a posture you can maintain for hours. If it doesn’t, your fit is wrong or it’s made badly. A full corset should be able to replace your brassiere. It should allow you to breathe and even sing. (If you do not sing; come on. It will not fix that. Practice, practice, practice…)
Most people do not know about Men’s corsets. Cut for military uniforms, they hold you upright at ‘Parade Rest’ with no effort on your part and can be worn for hours, offering you core support and a handsome masculine profile. This not a gender bender. It makes a man. Consider one under your suit for that salary review with that vice president that doesn’t really know you. Your prestige will kick up and so will your salary.
I will leave you with the virtuous suggestion that you need a corset from time to time. A proper one will make those hard days less difficult. After this virtuous suggestion I will be pleased to sell you one, properly made and fit. I thank you for listening
This month: A new feature. Check the sales site www.corset.net – we’re having a DAILY special where you find corsets from our immediate stock at a reduced price! This daily special will feature ONE corset at this price. Changing daily, this one corset will be 10 to 15% from the usual retail price. Updated daily at 10 am MST.